i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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