did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
