I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
