I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
