I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
