I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
