Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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