dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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