So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
