I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
