What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
