Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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