I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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