Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
