hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
