I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can't turn off my feet"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
