if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
