so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
