Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
try to milk me bitch
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