apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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