i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
