oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
