She said her name was "party"
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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