What a fucking waste of an outfit
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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