If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
