Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize