my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
