Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
