he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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