I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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