i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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