he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
