I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
