So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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