....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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