I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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