Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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