I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just had sex on a roof
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize