we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So here I am, sexting at work.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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