I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Randomize
