i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
