Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
