You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We got so high we made milksteak
My pussy is not your playground.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize