My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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