Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
