Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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