Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
