my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Randomize
