this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
