someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
