I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
