i think my tv is drunk
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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