this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
