Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How does it feel to date your dad?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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