dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
should my penis look like a turkey
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize