I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
