I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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