i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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