if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
