If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
