are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
