Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
